In Search of Closure
We humans live and think in stories. We are fascinated by them, entertain ourselves with them, and define ourselves by them. The last and often best part of any good literature story is the resolution – in the end, we want to know what happened to all of the characters. Stories include conflict and raise angst in us; conclusions help us come back to a place of peace.
For many of the Surfside survivors, their story is left unfinished and filled with angst. When will they get official news of their missing loved one? Where will they live next? How and by whom will their recovery be funded? When and how will they get their trauma symptoms to subside?
At Wellspring, we teach the Circle of Truth ©, which has six steps for resolving bad things that happen to us:
Face it
Feel it
Express it
Fix what you can
Fix what you can
Embrace it.
But what if the “it” isn’t clear yet? What if we don’t know what the endings are that we need to face, feel and accept? Tragedies that lack closure can be particularly hard to resolve. As Wellspring trauma specialists have come alongside thousands of people working to come to peace with terrible things that have happened to them, we know that this aspect of resolution can be a stumbling block.
But be encouraged. There are ways to find peace, even if you are still in the middle of an unfolding story. One way to do this is to focus on the story of today, within the greater story of what you are going through. Jesus said, “So do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.”
So, “Work the Circle” (listed above) for just today! At the beginning of the day, think through what you have in front of you to face, and pray/meditate on what it would look like for you to do a good job of handling the day. Identify what is in your control and what is not. Then, determine what you want to accomplish. What outcomes do you hope for? How do you want to be as you go through the day?
When bedtime comes, the story of that day has ended. Ask yourself: How well did I handle the things that were in my control? Was I faithful to myself and to others? Did I meet my goals? After you have answered these questions, you are only left with a few loose ends to find your resolution for the day:
Where you have failed - forgive yourself, make amends if needed and learn lessons for tomorrow.
Where you succeeded – rejoice and celebrate.
Where others failed you – give grace and forgive. They may be doing the best they can, given who they are.
Where others came through for you – thank them.
For what you have lost today – allow yourself to honor the loss and give yourself permission to grieve.
For what you were given today – be grateful and enjoy.
I don’t mean to minimize what can be very complicated life issues. Some stories are big, messy and very painful. But sometimes simplicity helps. Each of us really only has today to live. If we do that well, faithfully, and consistently, good things will result.
