Overcoming Conflict
When we are in any type of relationship, we will have experienced conflict. It’s part of being human and sinful. However, the key is to know how to approach conflict and handle it. An issue or problem needs to be solved or at least understood. This requirement is extremely challenging because marriage is a union of two distinct individuals with different personalities, opinions and backgrounds. Connecting with and understanding each other is the key, not trying to control each other. We would rather control because Bible clearly states, we are sinners who want our own way (Isaiah 53:6).
However, there is scientific research that leads to great hope.
Dr. John Gottman, the renown American Researcher and clinician, has done extensive research on relationship stability and divorce prediction, predicting with an amazing 94% accuracy who will divorce just by watching them interact over a disagreement. His research found that most problems are perpetual, “recurring and not solvable,” in his words. Dr. Gottman found that 69% of problems are perpetual – leaving 31% that are solvable.(Gottman, 2015) Perpetual problems cannot be solved; but the good news is that couples can understand each other’s point of view, leading to compromise.
Perpetual Problems:
A perpetual problem is a problem that is ongoing, not solvable, such as an introvert who marries an extrovert. They have fundamental differences in personalities.
A common struggle may be that while the introvert wants to stay home frequently to recharge with partner, or be alone, the extrovert wants to recharge by entertaining other people.
A practical compromise might be to entertain together and once a month, the extrovert goes out with his/her friends or alone.
The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse:
Dr. Gottman also found that there are four kinds of negativity which predict divorce He calls these forms of demeaning behavior “The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse.”(Gottman, 2015) In combination, they are the forerunners of the end of a relationship.
1. Criticism – expresses negative feelings or opinions about the others character or personality. You can complain, but don’t blame.
2. Contempt – the most wicked of the horsemen. A sense of superiority over your partner. Contempt viciously attacks the character of your partner. Criticism on steroids.
3. Defensiveness - Form of self-protection. Righteous indignation. The opposite of defensiveness is to take responsibility for your actions.
4. Stonewalling - The partner tunes out or shuts down. Doesn’t want to deal with issue or conflict. Stonewalling usually goes on for more than 24 hours. In worse cases, it can be used as a punishment towards the partner.
The Four Horsemen can signal the end of a marriage.
· Criticism, contempt and defensiveness all have to do with our words.
· God, in the Bible, gives us many verses to guide us in building relationships with the way we speak with others.
Proverbs 10:19 “When words are many, sin is not absent, but he who holds his tongue is wise”
Proverbs 12:18 “Reckless words pierce like a sword, but the tongue of the wise brings healing”
I want to leave you with this really important idea:
A good marriage doesn’t just happen, it requires something from you, but help is available.
This week’s podcast: Conflict Resolution
Hosted by Mario de Armas, Registered Mental Health Counselor Intern, with Carmine Vidana, LMHC