Beneath the Smile: The Cost of People-Pleasing
Saying “no” and taking accountability for how you feel isn’t easy... and it’s even harder when you struggle with people-pleasing.
What is people-pleasing?
People-pleasing is the strong desire to please others, even at your own expense. You may feel your wants and needs do not matter, or you may mold yourself into what others want or need so that you can feel useful or loved. The desire to people-please is different from kindness, generosity, or altruism because you rarely feel as though you have the option to say “no” for fear of dislike or rejection, and you will likely go against how you really feel or what you really value to say “yes.”
What are some signs that you may be a people pleaser?
You pretend to agree with everyone and avoid voicing your honest opinion to be liked.
You feel responsible for how other people feel instead of letting them own their emotions.
You apologize often and excessively out of fear of others being upset with you.
You feel burdened by the things you need to do because you have trouble saying “no” to things.
You can’t say “no” to things, so you say “yes” and follow-through or find a way out later.
You feel uncomfortable when someone is angry with you, so you hide your own feelings.
You act like the people around you to make them feel happy or comfortable.
You need praise from others to feel validated in your own self-worth.
You go to great lengths to avoid conflict and do not stand-up for your own beliefs.
You don’t admit when your feelings are hurt, so your relationships remain superficial.
The problem is that while people-pleasing may make you feel good temporarily, the feeling never lasts.
Why do we people-please? Where does it come from?
Experiencing violence of a parent, caregiver, or partner
Experiencing and/or being a part of a group of people who experiences racism, discrimination, exclusion, or microaggression
Having an emotionally unavailable parent
Being in a relationship with a narcissistic partner or parent
Growing up in a family that avoided conflict or was full of conflict
Growing up with a parent or family member who struggled with persistent physical and/or mental health issues
Each of these situations holds one common factor: an environment where it is unsafe for you to say “no,” disagree, or be indifferent. And therefore, in order to cope, you become invisible, keep the peace, or put what others need and want above your own well-being.
So, how do we stop people-pleasing?
Committing to small goals for meeting needs like taking a small break in between meetings
Delaying your answer to a request by thinking about it rather than answering immediately
Limiting your time instead of allowing the other person to create your schedule
Blocking out time that is off-limits to any new requests or plans
Rehearsing how to say “no” in tactful and empathetic ways
What does God have to say about people-pleasing?
People-pleasing is an unsupportive pattern that stems from the spiritual wound of believing you are not worthy; that you are not safe until you take care of everyone around you. The problem is, when we avoid ourselves and refuse to tend to our own needs, we carry fear, rejection, judgement, and failure around instead.
We live in a world that places a high value on being liked, but we must remember that our true value is how we are loved by Christ. In Romans 12:2 God reminds us: “Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that by testing, you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect.” Today, know that you are good, acceptable, and perfect through Christ; not through those around you. And remember, that in Christ, you will always be enough.
References
Kendra Cherry, Mse. (2023, March 21). 8 ways to stop being a people-pleaser. Verywell Mind. https://www.verywellmind.com/how-to-stop-being-a-people-pleaser-5184412
MediLexicon International. (n.d.). People pleaser: Definition, signs, risks, and how to stop. Medical News Today. https://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/people-pleaser#definition
Sussex Publishers. (n.d.). 10 signs you’re a people-pleaser. Psychology Today. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/what-mentally-strong-people-dont-do/201708/10-signs-youre-people-pleaser
Payne, M. (2022, June 20). GoodTherapy.org. GoodTherapy. https://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/where-people-pleasing-comes-from/